You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I want a musical about memes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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