you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
