This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
