Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
