Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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