We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
