I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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