I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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