Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Never underestimate the power of titties
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