i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
