i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
