thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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