he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize