i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We left the knife in your bed.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
