nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
