I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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