Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
How's work?
Spinning.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
