I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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