he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
