I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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