Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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