well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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