I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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