The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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