she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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