He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
