hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
