Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
