I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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