...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
