Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
