I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
