we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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