You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
