I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
