I looked at my own cervix.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
