sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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