so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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