Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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