I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
