sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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