he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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