her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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