Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It's shark week go big or go home
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
