I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
