yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
