I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
