Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize