as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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