His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
