he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
