Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
