I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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