remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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