Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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