I need to stop coming to work sober
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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