We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
