I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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