You made me cry and you don't even care
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
operation have a gay friend backfired
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
