Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
